The below are simply some jokes that have come across the pipeline over the years with ties to Kosovo :)
Different Hells | Plane Crash | Poverty in Kosovo | Good Leader | NATO Levels | Driver's Handbook
Different Hells
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
First he goes to the German hell and he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Kosovo hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Kosovan devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, if it works, there is no power supply, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Language Assistant in UNMIK, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes for coffee break."
Plane Crash
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A plane carrying an American, a Brit, and a Kosovar crashes on an exotic island filled with cannibals. Injured and unable to escape, the passengers are soon captured by the cannibal tribe.
The leader of the cannibals addresses the men and tells them "We will give you one chance to convince us why we should not cook and eat you."
The American goes first and starts telling about how great the American culture is. "We are a world super-power. We have the first black president, President Obama, Yes We Can!"
After a few minutes, the cannibal chief interrupts him and says "That's not good enough" and the cannibals toss the American in their pot and eat him.
The Brit decides to go next and starts explaining British culture. "We are a world super-power. We have the Queen, God Save the Queen. You've heard of the Parliament?"
After a few minutes, the cannibal chief interrupts him and says "That's not good enough" and the cannibals toss the Brit in their pot and eat him.
By now the Kosovar is totally freaked out and is thinking to himself, "Crap, if two world super-powers can't convince them not to eat them what am I going to do?" But he decides to try anyways to plead his case.
"I am from Kosovo. We declared independence in 2008 from Serbia. I am poor and my family has sent me abroad to work. I used to work for the United Nations..."
"United Nations?" inquires the cannibal chief.
"Yes, UNMIK," replies the Kosovar.
The cannibals suddenly set the Kosovar free and the cannibal chief says "UNMIK, my cousin used to work for UNMIK!" :o)
Poverty in Kosovo
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The truth about poverty in Kosovo is that it is real and a serious problem. Most of those outside Kosovo live in extreme poverty. The below portion is purely a joke but there is some truth to the matter of how the younger Kosovars dress. That's part why this is funny.
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I just spent several hours observing teenagers who were hanging out at the local cafe. I came to the conclusion that many teenagers in Kosovo are living in poverty.
Most of the young men I observed didn't even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group. But that wasn't the sad part . . . many of them were wearing their daddy's jeans. Some of these jeans were so big and baggy that they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some of them must have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for most of them had holes ripped in the knees and had a dirty look to them.
It grieved me that in a modern society like Kosovo where everyone has the latest cell phone, there are people who can't afford a decent pair of jeans. I have been thinking about asking around to start a jeans drive for the "poor kids at the cafes." Then on Bajram, I could go and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.
But here is the saddest part..... it was the girls they were hanging out with that disturbed me the most. I have never in all of my life seen such "poor" girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the guys... they all had to wear their little sister's clothes. Their jeans were about five sizes too small. I don't know how they could even put them on, let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most of them also had on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their midsection.
Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes. However, it was their underwear that bothered me the most. They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, also had their underwear exposed. I have never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of ... string.
I know it also saddens you heart to receive this report on the condition of Kosovo teenagers. While I go to bed every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are millions of "cafe girls" who barely have enough material to keep it together. I think their "poorness" is why these two groups gather at the cafes, the boys with their short daddies' ripped jeans, and the girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes. The cafe is one place where they can find acceptance.
So, the next time you are at the mall doing your shopping, would you think about the poor teenagers in Kosovo? And one more thing . . . will you say a little prayer for the guys' so that their pants won't fall down, and the girls' strings won't break?!
Good Leader
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The Kosovar President, Fatmir Sedjiu, is visiting the US and has a meeting with President Bush. He is impressed by all the aides that Bush has and asks him "President Bush, what is the secret to being a good leader?"
Bush looks at Sedjiu and says "The answer is simple, watch and learn." Bush picks up the phone and calls Secretary of State, Condolezza Rice. "Condi," Bush says, "I have a question for you. My mother has a child, my father has a child, the child is not my brother or sister, who is the child?"
There is no pause at all and she answers, "The answer is simple, sir, the child is me."
Sedjiu is very impressed and comes back to Kosovo. Deciding to test out Bush's advice, he calls Kosovo Prime Minister, Haschim Thaci, into his office. "Thaci," he says, "I have a question for you. My mother has a child, my father has a child, the child is not my brother or sister, who is the child?"
Thaci is stunned by the question. He thinks long and hard but cannot come up with an answer. Finally he says "Sir, if you don't mind can I have some time to think about this?"
Sedjiu agrees and Thaci rushes off. Thaci calls an emergency session of parliament, talks to political advisors but no one can come up with the answer. Out of sheer desperation, Thaci calls up the opposition leader, Ramush Haradinaj. "Ramush, I really need your help. I have a question for you. My mother has a child, my father has a child, the child is not my brother or sister, who is the child?"
Without hesitation, Ramush replies, "Easy, the child is me."
Elated that he has the answer, Thaci rushes to Sedjiu's office. "Sir, I have the answer! The child is Ramush!"
Sedjiu looks very seriously at Thaci and says "No, it's not Ramush. It's Condolezza Rice!
Changes to NATO Threat Levels
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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's economic health and military capability. It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Kosovo Driver's Handbook
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1.) The first step is to get a car. Any car will do. No need to buy one, they are all stolen anyway. If you cannot get a car, attach a roto-tiller to a trailer to make a "Kosovo Harley". If you cannot do that, a horse and cart will have to do.
2.) Remove any license plates that may be on the vehicle.
3.) This is where the key goes whenever there is a key, and the steering column is not broken.
4.) Before you begin to drive, you need to master blowing the horn.
5.) Adjust the driver's seat forward until your nose is approximately 2cm from the windshield, that is, if you have a windshield.
6.) Never allow someone shooting the RPG to ride in the front passenger seat while you are driving.
7.) Roll down the window before firing the RPG.
8.) Be sure to swerve to avoid any and all pot holes, even if that means you are swerving into other vehicles or pedestrians.
9.) If you honk your horn and flash your lights, you can drive wherever you want.
10.) Tanks have the right of way.
11.) You must stop whenever you come to railroad tracks, even if you fly through bomb craters.
12.) You must master "over the curb" parking before you can drive in Kosovo.
13.) If you see someone making a right turn, and you see a tiny gap between their car and the curb, you must drive as fast as you can to shoot the gap and turn ahead of them.
14.) Whenever traffic stops, blow the horn.
15.) Sidewalks are meant for driving and parking, they are NOT for pedestrians.
16.) Disregard all pedestrians when driving.
17.) If there is a gap ahead of you, fill it. There should never be more space between you and the car ahead of you large enough for a vehicle to fit into. In the city, the gap should be so small that in stand still traffic pedestrians cannot fit through.
18.) When you overtake another vehicle, just flash your lights and blow the horn. The oncoming traffic will probably get out of the way.
19.) It is inadvisable to drive through mine fields.
20.) If you can cut someone off, "Just Do It."
21.) Remember that seatbelts, and on some vehicles, seats, are an option.
22.) To become a professional Taxi (Taksi) driver, you must first purchase a Taxi or Taksi sign. No other requirement is involved.
23.) You never have to find a place to park if you are going to stop for only a "moment" (about 30 minutes or so). Just stop the car in the middle of the street and get out if you need to. Everyone else will have to stop for you.
24.) Remember that your new Mercedes is stolen and easily replaceable. There is no need to worry about minor things like dents and scratches.
25.) When you throw grenades from the vehicle, make sure that:
a. You are moving
b. The window is down
c. You pull the pin on the grenade
d. You throw the grenade instead of the pin
26.) Don’t allow your passengers to shoot out the driver's window while you are driving.
27.) When driving an obvious slow vehicle, like a "Kosovo Harley" or a horse-drawn cart, make sure you do not pull over to the side so that traffic must stack up behind you.
28.) When you see someone you know, just stop in the middle of the road and talk to them.
29.) Always carry enough passengers to push start your car.
30.) If there is any space ahead of you, drive faster, wherever you are!
31.) If you wrap your vehicle around a light pole, be sure and leave it there. It is now spare parts for all others in Kosovo.
32.) If your car breaks down, leave it in the middle of the road.
33.) If you get in a minor fender bender, be sure and NOT move the vehicles so you can cause a traffic jam and hopefully more minor accidents.
34.) Whatever happens, it is the other guy's fault (After all, you blew the horn and flashed your lights).
35.) DO NOT operate a vehicle that does not have a functioning horn. It is the most important piece of equipment on the vehicle (Tanks are the exception).
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